Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

I get distracted pretty eas

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.