Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.