Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.