Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
You Might Also Like
The real reason why they don鈥檛 make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it鈥檚 a mild fish.
Me: so it鈥檚 mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she鈥檚 always like this.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
The reason I don鈥檛 trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Noted.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Don鈥檛 tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fianc茅鈥檚 eyes* yes on dvd
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I鈥檓 gonna need you to try.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.