Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
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Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’ve been learning to cook.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
British people be like I’m Bri ish
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos