I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.