coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
oh she’s cooked
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.