coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up