Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

me after eating Cheetos

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

i actually laughed 😩

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

I hope Alan is OK

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.