Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
my favorite genre of twitter
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.