Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Room with a view.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble