[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I think my mom just blocked me
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
cry laughing at this shit
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’