Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I told my vodka about you.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.