Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

me watching my own Instagram story

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

When libraries troll their patrons.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

For the baby who has everything

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.