Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
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I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit