Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
This line from Airplane.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
👾👾👾
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone