Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
You Might Also Like
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Born to be mild.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Safety first
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations