Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
You sure about that?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”