Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Tough love is true love
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.