Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?