Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My typo game is string.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?