Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

Dear Lord..

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Would you wear it?

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

Meme Monday.

Bobby pin

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

Tastes like chicken.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.