Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
this has done me in for some reason
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?