Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
and now we wait
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
my astrological sign is a french fry
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks