Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?