Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.