Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
That’s not how days work.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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