Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.