Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story