Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.