Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?