Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*