@CulturedRuffian

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

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@dumbbeezie

The best part of being a bear would be waking up from hibernation and immediately killing something

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

@McGrumpenstein

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

@PatsATweetin

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

@ninatreemonkey

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free