The best part of being a bear would be waking up from hibernation and immediately killing something
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Don’t trust anybody who owns a working printer.
<—- homeless romantic
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free