Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.