Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You Might Also Like
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
get you a girl who
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?