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He took my last fry, your honor
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.