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Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
This could’ve been an email.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
At least he brought enough for everyone
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”