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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My kitchen overserved me.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
be safe out there!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train