Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

それは草

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

🤣

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.