Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*