Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better