Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
You Might Also Like
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Sing it!
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.