Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”