Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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Crying is a sign of leakness.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Fun Things
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.