Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”