Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.