Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

This is so wrong 😂

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.