Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂