Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Lmao 🤣

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.