Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

Every haunted house movie:

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me