Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
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The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.