Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.