Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall