Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

how to have an accident 101

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.