Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
british sex workers really pound for pound
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me