Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Um … Hot Wings please
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
This guy gets it.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
