Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
The French cow says MEUX…
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I basically called this earlier today
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of