Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…