@MavenofHonor

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

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@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@_Water_Baby

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

@PhilJamesson

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

@jazmasta

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.

@ericsshadow

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

@TheAlexNevil

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

@JB4Realz

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

@Scdavis24

Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.

@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.