Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.