Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.


I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.


A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.


Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place


They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.


THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise


“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport


Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.


Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.


“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.