Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I found your tweet-up…
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Check out the legs on this baby
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.