Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day