Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Accurate
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.