Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
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I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
You have been warned.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Put the is in disheveled
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit