Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Nothing to do, you say?
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.