Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Windows

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.