Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
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Admin smashed it 😂
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Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.