Couldn’t recommend it enough.
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
WTF IS THAT!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.