Couldn’t recommend it enough.
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
🖤✌🏽
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Received some very disappointing news today
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*