Couldn’t recommend it enough.
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Room with a view.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
October already? What’s next? November????
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.