Couldn’t recommend it enough.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”