Couldn’t recommend it enough.
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
peak technology
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.