Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.