Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
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We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Good boy 😂😂
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch