Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
We made a comic about a space heater.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?