Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Never ghost your hitman.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash: