Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Just say no

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no