Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.